The Secret Lover
by potterakku
Summary: on a gloomy rainy afternoon the trio and some friends gather in hagrid's house for an unusual conversation interrupted by the author and many more pointless character. there is too much jumbling up of plots and confusion grows read to find out


the pointless secret lover by potterakku [Reviews - 0]  
Warnings: Book 7 Disregarded Table of Contents [Report This]

**Summary: on a gloomy rainy afternoon the trio and some friends gather in hagrid's house for an unusual conversation interrupted by the author and many more pointless character. there is too much jumbling up of plots and confusion grows read to find out**

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**Author's Chapter Notes:**  
_This work is the work of an evil twisted minded author who has randomly written this fiction. all these characters including Harry and evryone belongs to J K Rowling.. i am just borrowing them for this fic! under hagrid's roof the unusual conversation starts.._

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It was raining heavily..real in cats and dogs. Thick drops of water the size of cherries where thundering down on Hagrid's pumpkin patch. The Trio + Hagrid (of course because it was his house) + Ginny + Luna + Neville were staring gloomily out of the window.  
Everyone except Luna (who was singing in low voice) and Hagrid who was mumbling angrily

I tell yeh its' not s'posed ter be spoken like that. Its' like this "Rainin' Dogs an' Cats' b'caus dogs are nice an' big an' humble an' loyal just' like me (fluffs out his chest proudly) an' I am' aller'gic teh CATS " Hagrid growled to the author, who is ummm..me..(Grinning)

Author - You see Hagrid (Stares at Hagrid) this is (pointing everywhere) my plot and my story, and..AND It all DEPENDS on how my mind works the story develops like this...(Grins again this time EVILLY).

Ron speaks in vicinity - is it supposed to be funny (pushing chocolate cake in his overly loaded mouth, cakes which has suddenly appeared from nowhere) Am I shupposhe d thoo bhi lafhingh??? ( No one notices Ron and he settles back to stuffing the chocolate cakes in his mouth again)

Hagrid - Oh' No yeh dont' ! I dont' f'llow anyone's order except' Dumbledore's(pumping up his chest again). Great man Dumbledore (adds after a second, tears immediately brimming his big beetle eyes because he was such a loyal and humble person towards Dumbledore).

Hermione - Oh! Come on Hagrid! You are helpless here, You do as she says or she would( mimicking the action of throwing a football) kick you out of her plot!(being such a know it all she cant help speaking.  
*Hagrid cowers on a corner *

Author - Hey! HEY you don't speak until I tell you to! Remember my story plot n blah blah blah!! Remember your dialogues guys!( adding exasperatedly)  
Ginny - She cant help it you know..she is such a KNOW IT ALL.  
Author - UFFFF!!! Was it your turn Gin! Listen co-operate!! Ok!just speak as the dialogues..progress according to plot...remember!

Ron who has finished his chocolate cake looks up and speaks out aloud - is it supposed to be funny?? Should I laugh???( no one notices Ron , he shrugs and starts searching for another eateable items he could get his hands on)

Neville - Isn't she INTERRUPTING too much??(Wide eyed)  
Author - (Shrilly) Does anyone understand the meaning of SPEAKING ON TURN!  
A hand pops up. Yes yes its Hermione's as expected

Author - (Noticing Hermione's raised hands) No Mione..You don't need to answer that. Just Fol.  
Hermione - (glumly) but you just asked a question!

Author - ENOUGH!(shouts to everyone) nobody speaks out of turn and follow the dialogues I will keep on checking.( a sound a puff of pink smoke with which the author vanishes)

Ron has finally finished his search for eatable objects and settled on one of Hagrid's rock cake, speaks again -Is it supposed to be Funny?? Am I supposed to be laughing?? (Again no one notices Ron, so he tries to chew the rock cake and one of his tooth cracks)

Ginny- euurgh! She is so full of herself.  
Hermione- naah..she just wants her story to be selected in the fanfic so that it could be read there. Its nothing wrong on wanting that Ginny┘.( Hermione explains as she is such a know It ALL)  
Ginny - she is evil..twisted..devil.  
Hermione - Shhhh! She might listen (bringing her finger to her lips and speaking as she is such a KNOW IT ALL)

Hagrid - yeh mus't not say tha't or she wil' kick yeh outta her' plot (starts cowering again)  
Ginny- Yeah yeah WATEVA! I know what that HAG thinks of herself

*Ron who has abandoned the rock cake and finally has started chewing the rug in front of Hagrid's fireplace speaks again ⌠Is it supposed to be funny?? Am I supposed to laugh?  
(Nobody gives him any notice)  
Ron who is tired of no one noticing him speaks again "Is it supposed to be funny? Am I supposed to laugh, smile, snigger, and snort?  
(No one notices Ron, shrugging he turns back to chewing his rug)*

*AHEM AHEM* (a voice echoes from above hagrid's residence)  
"I Can Hear you" (author's voice says accusingly)

Hermione - See I told you, we should follow the rules (explains as she is such all)  
EVERYONE - ..SUCH A KNOW IT ALL ..* singing in chorus Luna finishing with a extra bigggggggg All*

Hermione - No I AM NOT! (pouts)  
EVERYONE - Yes YOU ARE!!

Author sniggers in the background as finally her plot is developing

"Actually she is not" ( a deep voice from the door exclaims, everyone turn around and discover Dumbledore)  
Dumbledore - Till date every revelations and secrets discovered by Hermione was given to her by me( Hermione blushes in the background).

Harry- But Why! She is so bright and intelligent!  
Dumbledore - No Harry she is as dumb as you are, The Idiot Voldemort(everyone except Harry shudders, Ron actually faints) made you his equal and you are a clueless dung brain fellow, so I had to help you to help me win the battle, and miss Granger was a perfect pawn for that( announces proudly.  
Everyone looks dumbly at Dumbledore.

Ron - HA HA HA HA ! Very Funny!! I felt like laughing HAHAHAHA Oh ! where is my food, And all the gold I was dreaming about( searches absentmindedly under the table)

Harry - You don't get it do you?  
I HAVE SO MANY TROUBLES AND PROBLEMS !!! I SLEEP EAT AND DRINK PROBLEMS! NOBODY UNDERSTANDS ME! I HAVE TO KILL SO MANY PEOPLE SNAPE, VOLDEMORT ( starts counting on his fingers and fails miserably because Harry sucks in math), ALL THE DEATH EATERS, ummm┘.yeah TAKE REVENGE OF MY PARENTS DEATH., SIRIUS' , CEDRIC'S AND..ummm(starts counting again and finally gives up), have TO FIND HORCRUXES , HAVE TO TAUNT DRACO MALFOY TO DEATH!  
Errrr...( Ginny starts speaking)

Harry - No YoU DON'T, FROM THAT FATEFULL HALLOWEIN DAY, I AM SUFFERING THE TENSIONS...  
Errrrr...( Ginny starts speaking again)

Harry - No YOU DON'T , THE TENSIONS AND.  
Errrr...( Ginny starts speaking again)

Harry - NO YOU DON'T, THE TENSIONS AND RES..

Errrrr...( Ginny starts speaking again)

Harry - NO YOU DON'T, THE TENSIONS AND RESPONSIBILITIES AND TH...

Errrrr...( Ginny starts speaking again)

EVERYONE - NO YOU DON'T!

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!  
Everyone turns around to discover the source of noise, there is smoke everywhere (mind you it was pink smoke)  
ACHHOO! (Sneezing Author appears)

Author √ See guys, please guys don't interrupt Harry until he gets over with his overly ANGRY feelings or he would never let the plot develop! And Harry (adding kindly) you have got to follow my dialogues not express your furry. Ok?  
Now, take a deep breath, INHALE Exhale inhale exhale (Harry starts breathing deeply) now that's like a good character (getting all mushy.  
Now everyone ( turning towards other characters)  
Everyone looks at the author, all except Luna, who is still singing to herself)

Author- AHEM AHEM!  
(Luna takes no notice and keeps on with her singing)

Author- UFFF! I mean everyone, EVERYONE including you LUNA!  
Luna notices her name being taken, looks at the author, finds the author uninteresting and unimportant enough to listen to, Yawns and starts singing again.

Author- *rolling her eyes* Ok forget it. So everyone. I want your undivided attention, concentrate and..(A hand pops up, unexpectingly it belongs to Ron not Hermione) Yes Ron?

Ron - Undivided as in? How do I multiply my attentions and give it to you? You know I am not the brainy and intelligent type that's Hermione, I just know how to be jealous, misunderstand people specially my best friends, taunt, ummm( concentrating hard)  
throw jabs and comments on occasions, be a dumbo and ( concentrating hard again) sleep with my mouth open...!

(Also speaks with his mouth full of food (peeps up Hermione, several heads nodding in agreement)

Ron - Yeah( adding) and┘??

Harry - YOU SUCK AT QUIDDITCH RON!! IF YOU WHERE NOT MY BEST MATE, ALSO YOU ARE MY LOVE'S BROTHER AND YOUR MOM MAKES REAL NICE FOOD AND SWEATERS!! OTHERWISE I WOULD NEVER HAVE HAD YOU IN MY TEAM!( adds furiously).

Ron- NO!!...No (tears brimming his eyes) I thought..i thought you loved me!( starts bawling his eyes out).

'NO' Hermione adds blushing, he loves me!  
Ginny- No silly he LOVES me!, he has been eyeing me since my 1st year(adds furiously)

Ron √ What about the time you snogged me in the broom cupboard Harry?

Harry- NO! I did NOT! That was in another fanfic not this one!

Luna- * stops singing* Is ummm anyone talking about Harry? Yeah he loves me too, we got married in last fanfic didn't we Honey? See my special ring, it is made up of craklow spinowheel(she adds looking lovingly at an utterly revolting yellow pus colored ring which closely resembled an acromantula eye).

Draco- * who has appeared out of nowhere in the room* we have been dating since last year┘.ooh Harry darling...(Looks lovingly at Harry) he is soo charming.

Neville √ Hey hey hey hey! STOP! Last time he was teaching me how to fly on hippogriff, he kissed me under the blue sky of heaven and also announced his deeply driven crazy love to me! He even has a tattoo of NLB on his forearm!

Oh it was your tattoo I thought he was a branded death eater (Hermione pipes up)

Harry is turning pale under the GLARE of many eyes present in the room

Hagrid- * in a booming voice* Wait but NEVILLE an' me are to'gether since las' three years' (glares at Neville) so yeh where the timin' meh!  
*Neville runs screaming out of Hagrid's hut and Hagrid follows brandishing his flowery pink umbrella*

Author- Ok everyone just cool down..

*puff of smoke and great booming laughter fills the room. Lord VOLDEMORT approaches, three death eaters (who where probably kissing his hem) were sprawled across the hem of his cloak*

Author- EXCUSE ME! YOU are NOT I repeat NOT in my PLOT!

Voldemort- Was anyone talking about Harry??(Completely disregarding the author)  
We got engaged last month (blushing his lidless eyes at Harry).

Harry- No (surprised and wide eyed) I KILLED YOU!

Voldemort √ No no No no no Honey, that was in another DARK ANGSTY fanfic, ( exclaims lovingly) in the last one we fell deeply in love and got engaged. Now I am a saint who only lives to love you (making horrible kissing noises).

Author- Hey! Don't you GET ME! You are not supposed to be in my STORY!

Ginny- (not caring that the author is shouting her head off) So what are these three doing here?( pointing to the three death eaters who where still kissing voldemort's hem)

Voldemort-(noticing for the first time the three death eaters sprawled across his feet on kissing his hem) Oh! They are from another fanfic (kicks them away * shouts of death eaters from vicinity*) Harry poo (grins flirtingly at Harry while Draco, Hermione, Ron, Luna start gagging)

Snape - (who enters the room followed by dobby) sorry everyone but Potter is mine, if anyone disagrees 100 points will be reduced from that house.

Voldemort- Huh! No he is mine, we got ENGAGED┘anyone who disagrees will be AK (Avada Kedavra.  
Ron - (who was still bawling his eyes out wipes up his tears and starts punching Voldemort) Trying to steal my love! Will you! Take this (punches his lidless eyes) and this (his snake like slits for nose) and TAKE THAT (punching the bald head) and that┘.  
Everyone joins Ron in beating Voldemort. Luna continues singing, Dumbledore, Snape and Dobby stealthily run out of the door.  
Author - (looking helplessly) Sigh! And I thought I can write a fanfic! Bad idea guys, should try some other time (Vanishes on the spot.

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**Chapter End Notes:**_Hello friends..this is my first attempt to write a fanfic please leave reviews and tell me how do you find this story it is a random fiction please give me some ideas and i will work more hard and improve! thank you fellas for reading and reviewing my fic muaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! love u all *blush blush*_


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